A Rant to No one…

I’m still trying to work on getting these out so luckily won’t too many people be reading this anyway so it’s a good way to vent. My normal outlet seems to be closing up on me so I’m looking for a new venting form. It’s been such a hard summer. The hardest in all of my recent history. Things seemed to be going from bad to worst at every turn. I feel like I got a second chance and all the things that I took for granted all the times I spent not paying enough attention to the details I want to change. But talk is cheap its one thing to keep talking about changing and talking about doing the things differently, and its another entirely to actually do them. I’m self-aware to a fault constantly analyzing my every move and thought, but getting caught to much thinking and not actually acting. So for a change I’ve been making moves in silence, planning for the future and grabbing a hold of my own path. Now I do first and talk about it later. I take charge of my short comings and grab my complaints about my life by the horns and just do something about them. But even through all the progress I made its seems like things are still more difficult then ever. One of the people that I value the most seems to have drifted away from me and I’m honestly at a loss as to what to do. I hold my share of the blame, I;ve done my share of things to drive anyone crazy but its been a two way street as are many things and unfortunatly its a bumpy street yet one with soooo much potential. I know what it feels like to want something for someone else and see all the possibility of greatness in them, but you can’t make anyone be something they don’t want to be or do something they don’t have the desire to do themselves. I pushed to hard and I think that was my biggest mistake of all. I just saw all the raw potential in the world, saw the possibility for change and innovation. My heart was in the right place but I was too forceful but what else am I supposed to do.  Maybe I’m wrong but I just feel like something was lost and maybe it was the time away and the distance, but its more than that… I can’t expect anyone to hold up their life for me and I’m not naive enough to think that, despite what anyone thinks. I’ve never been a dummy and its a gift and a curse to be constantly underestimated. sometimes I find myself thinking “down” to my company and getting caught in the motions only to come out of it later like wtf. Its cool thought it allows me to  gain a better perspective and insight into a persons True character and a feel for where they fit. Never have so many of my attempts to do the “right” thing get so twisted and end up biting me in my ass. There are lots of things in my life that I regret doing but lately I feel as I’ve been as honest and open as I’ve ever been. I feel like I’m making so much progress but I’m still filled with rage but thats a rant for another time…

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You ever talk to someone and literally feel the distance. You all know the feeling I’m talking about when you talk to someone so close to you yet they feel as if you couldn’t be further apart. It hurts when every word you hear has a tone of slight indifference. May be nothing on the surface but because you know that person so well its all the more clear. Words seemed forced and moods seemed faked. You wonder if you’re going crazy, if its all in your head..but no. Chances are your right on the money. What do you do? What can you do..

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It’s funny how people take kindness, or even love for that matter, for weakness. Nothing like a 4 mile run to clear the mind and focus your thoughts. Two major disappointments this week, one job related one more person oriented. Can’t let either throw me off track. Still searching for that peace of mind I keep hearing so much about haven’t found it yet but a nice early run on a lovely day has me feeling… Refreshed

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Sometimes things change. No matter how hard we fight it, no matter much we resist, it happens. Whether its a change in appearance or a change in scenery, It Happens. Sometimes its other people that change and we’re left looking on the outside in to someone we once knew. Other times its ourselves that change and we learn new things about ourselves. Good, Bad, change is neither it is simply change. Do we welcome it or do we shun this inevitabe occurrence. I’ve been undergoing my own changes lately, it seems like everyday there is something new. I wake up in a different place everyday wondering what could be next. Strangers surrounding me selling me this and that. The closet people to me couldn’t seem further away, seriously whats up with all this. I feel more disconnected and out of touch then ever. I feel like I’m watching things from an unseen place, neither here nor there, and out of body experience of sorts. The people I thought were the ones that understood me the most seem to be the very ones that don’t understand at  all. just something to past the time. sometimes its better to write these things out, working on something new anyway…

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